SOMESENSE AND NONSENSE

Bluebird of Portland

2011-01-07T14:09:00.000-08:00

Portrait of Bluebird for Genie. They are mean.

Blogger Plays in Bar by Accident.

2010-09-21T23:02:00.000-07:00

I wasn't blogging, just playing guitar with a crazed country singer from Austin, TX. I was on my porch at home and somehow ended up at Slabtown - famous hangout of cheapskate drinkers, pinball addicts and the Dandy Warhols - backing this guy up for free drinks. Photo courtesy of Genie (and her new camera). Thanks for coming, all twelve of you - and the two guys playing pinball.

Genie self-portrait with flowers

2010-07-14T21:01:00.001-07:00

My crappy outdated camera takes weird photos. But I do like this one, kinda reminds me of a Warhol silkscreen.

Exile On Main Street is The Only Rock N' Roll Record I Really Need.

2010-05-13T23:45:00.000-07:00

I was dreaming of a steel guitar engagement
When you drunk my health in scented jasmine tea
But you knifed me in my dirty filthy basement
With that jaded, faded, junky nurse
Oh what pleasant company

I was fifteen when this record came out, and I've probably heard it several hundred times. No, the above lyrics are not from it, but they are apropos of everything. Get the damn album already.

Blame it on Reagan...

2010-03-15T00:32:00.000-07:00

Not to get Political or anything, but some recent comments by some guy named Beck (no, not either of the talented ones we often refer to fondly as "Beck") contain a serious error so huge as to be impossible for most humans to miss: the assumption that we all believed this song to be some sort of "Patriotic Anthem." The first fool to believe that was a campaign advisor to a former President, (another apt song quoted out of context here would be "What a Fool Believes" - a song so horrible that I feel bad bringing it up, but it does fit) the second fool being Ronald Reagan, who apparently took the first fool at his word and never bothered to read the lyrics. Reagan decided the song was perfect for stirring emotions and proceeded to have the chorus blasted at campaign stops (personally, I think "Like a Virgin" would've been less vague and just as effective). So, it seems that loyal followers of the President and his rocking party adopted the song, sight unseen, and continued to blast it amongst themselves for decades without ever getting to the annoying verses. How this could happen is beyond me, but I'm sure it's not unlike saying things like "Just Say NO!" and "Drill Baby, Drill" (insert "Like a Virgin" here...).
So, fast forward the 80's cassette to 2010. Now this Beck guy has figured it out - 26 years later. He says it's NOT A PATRIOTIC ANTHEM! Yes, well that's good news, because I still have a copy on vinyl. Here's the shocking truth: http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201003110027

Check it twice baby!

2009-12-07T11:59:00.000-08:00

Santa don't blog, apparently. Poor connectivity at the N. Pole I guess... how the hell does he get discount merch form Overstock.com? Anyway, I've got an internet connection and am not afraid to use it. Perhaps Santa will park his big ass down at the Public Library somewhere in the northern hemisphere and accidently find this post between Google searches for ELF PORN (and maybe elves will appear with a nice roast beef). All through childhood, when Christmas was magical (even after Linus revealed it was actually run by an "east coast syndicate") I carefully composed detailed want lists, only to end up with whatever the hell the adults felt like wrapping. Now people pay attention damnit!! SOCKS, WHISKEY & VINYL. Just to clarify, that's SOCKS (comfy, non-embarrassing), WHISKEY (Bourbon) and VINYL (round, non-embarrassing).

Calling All Wombats!

2009-10-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

Just to get your attention. I know nothing about the Wombat, apologies to any Wombats looking to hook up - it's not going to happen. Anyway, it's FALL and the time is right for falling in the gutter (if you're a leaf). In all honesty, I've been a bit lazy. However, summer ended and I feel like a different Wombat. I did manage to build a brick patio with built-in tiled fire-pit; plant a bunch of roses; acquire rather too many records, and sample the newfound riches of good beer in a can.
I did make some progress with the guitar. I finally realized that great music is all pretty basic - you just have to play it right! When you grow up pre-internet like I did, thinking there was some magic key known only to guitar Gods, it's a revelation to realize that it's just three chords with a little something... kinda like soup. SALT! PEPPER! WHO KNEW? Everything is simple as one-two-three, even four-five and six! This was news to me, and quite welcome.
Well, on other notes - life is entering yet another winter. I finally found the elusive Furnace Filter (highly recommended to know about) and am very much enjoying sleeping with the window down and the covers up.
I was wondering the other day if anyone noticed we are at the end of an ice age. It's not that hard to visualize once you realize the North and South poles are not generally frozen throughout the roughly four-billion year weather report of our planet. Sure, they have been that way as long as we can remember (big whoop) but are really just the end stages of the most recent ice age. We humans race along like careening fruit-flies, while the Earth is going the speed limit . We move much too fast to see any of these changes, nonetheless change continues apace. Bugs know about it, probably Wombats too. Stay warm, and enjoy the rapidity that is life. Or, if you're not into the whole optimism thing, get your kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames.

Safety Last!

2009-09-30T00:07:00.001-07:00

2009-06-01T21:34:00.001-07:00

2009-05-31T16:22:00.000-07:00

2009-05-31T16:12:00.000-07:00

2009-05-30T18:07:00.001-07:00

Art Lives!

2009-03-23T16:31:00.000-07:00

Snapdragon has a site here. Love it!

Pre-9-11 Carry-On Luggage.

2009-02-24T20:44:00.000-08:00

It's always best to travel light. The trick is keeping it to the bare necessities. One or two carry-on, uh... items.
Choices are not as easy as they used to be though. Airports really need to get up to date with the three-ounce Jack Daniels.

The ubiquitous 25 things...

2009-02-24T15:38:00.000-08:00

Ridiculous nonsensical things. They are a balm to the generally dull and tedious explorations of logic.

Huge monster stores with useless crap NOBODY asked for, but now apparently must have. Now that these stores (and malls) are going broke, it’s supposed to be a disaster. I don’t think so.

I don’t understand why doing nothing is a sin. The idea of the meditating monk seeking spiritual perfection is acceptable, but laying around drunk in the grass is generally looked down on. C’mon, bliss is bliss.

Why is it OK to provoke thoughts of commerce, invention, religion, competition, philosophy, astrology, and all the intellectual pursuits… but not sex. The question mark is embarrassed to be seen next to this question… why?

Trains are cool. When I was little, my Dad would drive us all to the local train station to watch a train arrive. Traveling by train is great fun (never tried the boxcar…) kind of like staying home with nothing to do.

My name. Former marriage partners have kept it as their own – which I find odd, but also a compliment.

Art books. Secondary to actual art, but without walls.

Clean socks can often turn around a feeling of vague discontent.

Searching through hundreds of records at sales and second hand stores. Something unexpected can cause a thrill of opiate proportions.

Hot baths. Didn’t save Sylvia Plath from the oven, but has saved me on numerous occasions.

Getting a guitar in tune is a perfect moment. While it lasts everything sounds wonderful, which somehow creates music. Kind of like skipping a stone on water.

Wearing light colors makes me feel like a golfer, so I avoid them completely.

I don’t like telephone calls. It’s nothing like speaking in the real world, which is hard enough already.

Staying at home all day with nothing planned is a sort of heaven.

Praise from people I love is somehow uncomfortable – but from strangers it’s fine. I have no idea why.

Playing music on the stereo: I am considered a sort of default DJ at home, which is fun and difficult. My bliss may be someone else’s idea of hell.

A bar is a beautiful place. Assuming someone knows how to make a good drink. When in doubt, red, red wine… Mmmm… RED WINE.

Portland, Oregon. This is the best city I have ever lived in or visited. It is smart, lush, kind, old, new, brilliant, beautiful and overflowing with fabulous and amazing beer. Mmmm… BEER.

Cooking at home. This is especially satisfying when there’s not much to work with. Random leftovers combined with whatever is at hand can make for an amazing alchemy of food.

Making fires is extremely satisfying. In a fireplace or a campsite, both require the same basic ingredients: fuel and air. Oh, and a match is also useful. The results are mesmerizing.

Walking is my preferred form of transport, and exercise. A bit of a problem in my neighborhood however, as I usually get as far as the record shop or the wine bar. Oh well…

I really like cleaning things. When finished, things are clean. It may seem like a never-ending chore, but for the moment it is a small victory.

Brown is an awesome and underrated color. It looks great next to orange, on corduroys, in chocolate, in a coffee cup, in the garden after it rains.

I don’t like excessive and useless mail. It’s annoying to get things stuffed in your mailbox that you never asked for or wanted.

I like to ignore ringing phones and knocks on the door. I’m sorry.

Oversimplifications Made Simple - Or, Hold the Turkey and pass the Pork

2009-02-21T08:54:00.000-08:00

Between guitar practice, (Dear Prudence... deceptively simple drone fingerpicking in drop D tuning) and painting the bathroom, I've got a minor rant (major rants forthcoming, once I return to standard tuning). Minor is just more emotive... check out any ancient folk ballad, even the jolly ones like "John Barleycorn Must Die"

Anyway, I've been hearing these toxic-asset Republicans complaining about "spending" our "taxes" (aka "Tax and Spend")
Well, I'm not going to get all preachy and liberal, because this is "OVERSIMPLIFICATIONS MADE SIMPLE." Taxes are what we pay to our government to spend. What else are they going to do with it - start a Ponzi Scheme? Buy drugs from Panama? C'mon, this is AMERICA.

The question is obviously: How would we like it to be spent? In 2003 we all decided - at least 90% of the population (Bush's approval rating going into the war) - that we should spend it in IRAQ. So, our government shipped TONS of CASH on PALLETS (aka taxes) over to IRAQ. But wait, that was like losing a quarter in your couch, because we have spent - and continue to spend - somewhere around THREE -TRILLION DOLLARS! (aka taxes) in IRAQ.

Now, our new President is sending BILLIONS (aka taxes) to... where? what? HERE! Crazy, but true. He's proposing spending lots of money (yes, taxes) in OUR OWN COUNTRY, on silly stuff like education, children's health, maintaining highways and bridges, and even on AMERICANS!

But wait, conservative Republicans cannot abide this wasteful frivolity. They won't stand by and let bleeding-wallet liberal- tax and spend socialists spend our money in our own country, on our own people - what are they thinking??

Some Republican Governers (Sarah Palin...) are even refusing to accept money (aka TAXES) to help their own State! You go Republicans. Stand up for what is right. People should not have to tolerate having their own taxes spent in their own country for the good of the people.

Bar Etiquette

2009-02-13T01:08:00.000-08:00

Darwin is OLD.

2009-02-12T10:41:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Darwin! 200, WOW! He wrote this book about monkeys before monkeys were cool. It's like a big shout-out to MONKEYS and how we started stuff. Then we turned into MAN. OK, it was actually APES, but who cares.
This is so cool I can't get over it. But I gotta say, I'm not responsible for crazy humans. Some of them are alright...
Humans made some good stuff - like wine, whiskey and ether. Monkeys would never have come up with stuff that good. You rock (some) HUMANS! Anyway, I think this Darwin dude was pretty smart - he figured out the theory of evolution, which is why I never go to church! Happy Birthday, man!

Monkey 'n New Age Bear: Goodbye Mr. President!

2009-01-19T21:28:00.000-08:00

Hey! Excuse New Age Bear... can't handle the hard stuff too well. He's in training. Anyway, we have been having a bit of a party due to the historic nature of the fact that, respectfully, the President is going home. He's an ass. And what is up with him being all nice and stuff about Obama? Bush is HATING this. He's been running around the white house tryin' to remember where all the ass - pocket bottles of Jim Beam are. Then his wife is all like, "George, did you pack your underwear?"

We don't feel sorry for him. What? Oh... New Age Bear say's he thinks the Obama's will probably have nicer sheets. Maybe some dream-catchers... (sigh). Bear needs to get out more. Like I was saying, Bush will always be an ass. You know, he was the jerk in high school who's always tripping people and knocking books off the shelf in the library - just 'cause he doesn't like them. Then he finds some history of war book and rips out the pictures of tanks. He's all like, smoking, drinking crappy whiskey and snorting coke, drilling for oil and insulting gardeners. I know his type.

He should've been a Sizzler manager and waterboarded the dishwasher. Instead, he gets all hot over the tank pictures and marries the librarian. That's fine if he's just going to spend his life shooting nesting birds and drilling in the wilderness. But he has to go and become the freakin' PRESIDENT.

Oh, the sleepless nights (codeine cough syrup let me down) worrying about the world going up in flames 'cause of some stupid - ass nickname he gives a Russian killer, err... leader. You owe me, damn it!! I would like a pardon, but I never got caught.

But you still owe me bastard!! I want my lost sleep back! Or at least some good cough syrup and maybe a little something for New Age Bear. He likes Guatemalan Rum 'n Pine juice (WTF?) Well this is getting kind of long - but not as long as your endless reign of bullshit! Goodbye G. Bush, and your little dog too!

Most Snow Since 1968!

2008-12-23T09:42:00.000-08:00

Happy Winter Solstice!

2008-12-21T16:11:00.001-08:00

Winter Blue In Portland

2008-12-14T20:11:00.000-08:00

The gloaming of a winter's eve... from the warm inside.

Extra! Extra! Djinn Genie's Dizziness Diagnosed!

2008-12-12T11:34:00.000-08:00

Dr. Epley is most widely noted for his "Canalith Theory" as the cause of Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo (BPPV), and for development of the "Epley Maneuvers" for its treatment. This treatment and the supporting concepts are regarded as one of the greatest breakthroughs in the vestibular field in the past century.

All of you familiar with A Dizzy Life know that its namesake, Djinn Genie, has suffered symptoms of vertigo and dizziness for the last year. The search for treatment and diagnosis has been frustrating - no less than four supposed medical professionals were unable to determine the cause. Recently however, serendipity stepped in and saved the day. During a Google search on all things dizzy, I came across the man above (no divine intervention implied). Dr. John Epley is a pioneer in the field of vestibular inner-ear disorders, and the inventor of a treatment known as the "Epley Maneuver." Not only is this guy world-renowned, he is based right here in Portland, OR.
After a phone interview with Epley's assistant, Djinn was scheduled immediately for evaluation. Yesterday she underwent a 5-hour series of tests and analysis with the man himself - who did what apparently no one else could: give a definitive diagnosis. She has a case of Inner- ear concussion (IEC) - the result of a fall down the stairs in Salt Lake City three years ago. A jarring of the inner- ear can cause the balance sensors to become deranged or unable to function in an organized manner. The deranged inner- ear reacts to stimuli (sound, pressure, etc.) that it would not otherwise react to, sending misinformation to the brain regarding the body's position with respect to gravity and/or directional orientation. The result can be nausea, imbalance, intermittent vertigo or some combination thereof. Cognitive problems often follow, as the patient's brain must devote an inordinate percentage of function to coping with the false messages of body and gravity orientation it receives. Symptoms typically progress slowly over a period of months - which is exactly what happened.
Djinn was also diagnosed with Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo (BPPV), due to small crystals of calcium carbonate debris which have collected within a part of the inner- ear - again the result of inner- ear trauma. This is the condition the Epley Maneuver is designed to treat. Rather than performing these movements manually, Dr. Epley has invented The Omniax - an automated, omni-axial, custom-built chair capable of moving a patient through 360 degrees in any plane and assuming any position relative to gravity. These movements reposition the crystals, allowing them to dissolve naturally. Djinn will be taking a ride on the Omnimax in about ten days. Treatment also has her on a histamine drug to facilitate healing of the damaged tissues in the inner ear.
This is fantastic news, and will likely result in a complete recovery for our beloved Djinn Genie! Yay!...
Love and happiness, GeeBee.

All These Things...

2008-12-02T10:59:00.000-08:00

Me, Myself and Monkey would like to offer thanks to all who have visited this blog, and hope that you have found Some... Sense - or lack thereof within. There will be more, but for now I am choosing other pursuits of a less blogaspheric nature. Ideally, time would be kind and stop moving, which would be really fun... then everything could be done regardless of how long it takes (yet, long would not exist - stuff would just get done without clocks peering incessently at our progress, or lack thereof). But clocks cannot be stopped, therefore I must choose what to do under their relentless and unchangable face.
Art of a different sort is calling, so I intend to scribble things other than words. If they become presentable, I will post them here. Music also calls, so I will hear it - less from the speakers and more from my beautiful (thank you Djinn!!) Gibson acoustic guitar. These things will take rather large and unpredictable amounts of time to become what they shoud be, which ultimately will enable me to become what I am.
Impressionable new-age bear would know what I mean. In his post-to-be, which you will have to picture in your own minds, is basically this: He discovers self-help books and becomes so entranced by them that he has an epiphany. He discovers that what he does best is finding out what he is really good at - which turns out to be just that. He can discover new and more engaging self-help books and discover new ways of pusuing the search that is his true calling. You rock new-age bear!
Peace and happiness in the pusuit of peace and happiness to you all. Love, GeeBee.

Snapdragon with self-portrait (and shirts) by Apricot Blossom.

2008-11-24T20:06:00.000-08:00

Had to post this because it is a lovely portrait of girls not currently in residence, (Christmas is coming up!). Somehow dadaesque and realist at the same time. Nicely done.

David Crosby & Graham Nash "Traction In The Rain" 1971

2008-11-19T19:17:00.000-08:00

Because it's from 1971 - a watershed year for music in many ways. And because David Crosby had one of the better voices of his generation. Because these Martin guitars are to die for (well, to pay a hell of a lot for these days), and because some people just do their best work when they're young. Besides, the song is pretty good.

Panic In Detroit.

2008-11-18T08:53:00.000-08:00

Could the SUV be the new house? Looks pretty cushy in there. For mail delivery, just crack the rear window.

Jimi Hendrix Experience: Mitch Mitchell Found Dead.

2008-11-12T20:58:00.000-08:00

The Jimi Hendrix Experience's last surviving member, Mitch Mitchell, has died in rainy Portland, Oregon. He had stayed on for a short vacation after ending a tour here on Friday night. He has apparantly died of natural causes at age 61. Check out his skills on the drums in the clip below. Peace.

New Dog In Town.

2008-11-11T21:20:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it. That damn fool Bush had a Terrier in the White House? Scottish my ass... was he vetted? I'd like to see his birth certificate, I'll bet you "Barney" is a code name. He's a spy. That's how we know all the stupid things Bush said in private meetings. I'll bet my last bone Barney was in the room when Bush choked on that pretzel. Did he run for help? Hell no! I'll bet he was getting a few pretzels in before security showed up. I know his breed - they're all out for themselves. If I were in the White House, none of this would've happened. I'd have him for lunch.
Now, this new breed coming in say they're "looking for a shelter dog." Great. We all know the kind of lazy, looking-for-a-handout, can't find a bone, welfare loving mutts they are. We need a dog with some pedigree, a purebred - someone with experience. Not a barking Liberal. I'll tell you what, if it were up to me I'd get a Reagan-era Spaniel like Rex. Now there was a dog - he sat at the table with William F. Buckley! I guess the best I can hope for is a moderate. Maybe a Beagle. Just make sure he's vetted - and don't let him go shopping!

Diatribe!

2008-11-11T19:03:00.000-08:00

I like this word a bunch. Some Greeks used to do this like Americans like to watch baseball. Pastime - discourse: original meaning was to spend... but they weren't talking Nordstrom Rack. Spending time chatting. It's not that different from hanging at the bar, but with the TV off. I've got a two-for-one Sarah Palin hangover, so the TV is way OFF!
I'm thinking of doing this regularly, like toast. Once a day maybe, with butter. Anyway, I've been hearing some weird things on the news since that guy got elected. Like AC/DC is back! That little guy must be hyper - he's like a baboon on crack! A skinny little baboon in velvet shorts. They like to open car doors and run off with stuff. You rock little baboons!
I was going to Diatribe about something... Oh yeah. The redistribution of wealth. I did some reading and figured out what this means, but I'm really confused. When did they distribute it? When did this happen? It's not in any of your books. Is it like communion or something? (I don't understand that AT ALL) You line up to get crackers? I guess sometimes they have wine, but I can get that at Trader Joe's. I guess Jesus liked wine and crackers, but he wasn't happy about wealth. Did he distribute it? What kind of cheese did they have back then?
So, this wealth got passed around sometime. Aren't those people all dead? Is it like reruns, when they show "Get Smart" really late. I love that show, 99 was hot. Do the same people have money now that had it then? That must be why there's still churches and Popes and stuff. That guy got a bunch of the wealth - he's got a car named after him. The Pope-Mobile. Kind of a dumb name, but it's cool. Who makes that anyway? Is it a Volkswagon with a Pope-Mobile body? I hope not. It's probably one of those badass Italian cars with a bunch of plexiglass all over it. Like a wolf wearing a sheep, or something.
I think this wealth should be redistributed. The Pope doesn't need any more stupid cars. Some people are crazy with their money. Do poodles need a chef? That's like me having a bartender... cool. But I can do it myself! There are people who don't even have a glass! C'mon, pass that bottle around. What are these rich people afraid of. Everyone needs to get real and go to IKEA. You can get crap there for next to nothing, plus they have stuffed rodents. I guess this Diatribe has gone on a little long, but it's serious. We're all going down, so why not give everyone a little something before they go. It's two-for-one Goldshlager night. C'mon Pope. Drinks on me!

You Can't Do That With a CD.

2008-11-09T19:40:00.000-08:00

See more here: Sleevefaces

The Greatest Racket Ever Made.

2008-11-07T19:40:00.000-08:00

The Who at Tanglewood, New York 1970. Even thru little dinky computer speakers, the incredible interplay between these blokes is overpowering. Doesn't exist in the modern world as we know it.

Monkey Gives Parting Advice.

2008-11-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

I'm the first to admit I'm not the smartest Monkey. I was actually passed out on the couch when this report came on Fox News that you didn't know Africa was a continent. What the %$#@!! I came to on the floor (not that unusual, but still...) Don't they have schools in Alaska?
If you are indeed retarded, I feel bad... sort of. But why did you pretend to be a human who knows things? You will never catch me doing something like that.
So, now that you're going home, I'd like to give a little advice. Get one of these book things. They have stuff in there that can make you smarter. Don't let anyone interview you EVER. Quit pretending to look at other countries (or continents, whatever) next door to you. Stay inside, don't answer the phone, steer clear of the booze, take long naps and pretend none of this ever happened (Valium is good). Oh, and send back ALL the clothes. And if you wanna sell that Maverick (black one with the eight-track), call me. It's been fun. But not as fun as two-for-one hot-toddy night! Gotta go, the kettle's boiling.

Yeah Baby!

2008-11-05T07:38:00.000-08:00

Hang on Monkey Jr.

2008-11-04T07:17:00.000-08:00

Things are looking up...

My Vote for Best Political Satire.

2008-10-31T07:49:00.001-07:00

Click this link here.

Won't Get Fooled Again.

2008-10-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

I used to think this song was just an amazing example of how to use an A chord better than anyone ever could. It's all in the little finger on the fifth fret adding those two top notes to the bottom three. Of course the effect is much greater with several hundred watts of electricity, but it still comes through on this lovely acoustic version.
At some point it struck me that it was about the revolutionary dreams (fantasies) of the sixties, crashing head on into reality. History tells the tale; leaders fall and the oppressed become the oppressors. At the time, rock music was rife with songs promising an easy take-over of the status-quo. The Doors sang "The old get old and the young get stronger\ may take a week and it may take longer\ they got the guns but we got the numbers\ gonna win yeah were takin over\ Come on!"
Jefferson Airplane were only slightly less subtle with: "Volunteers of America... Gotta Revolution!" Crosby Stills Nash & Young were suitably outraged with "Four dead in Ohio... Gotta get down to it, soldiers are hunting us down, should've been done long ago."
Things got ugly at the 1968 Democratic convention when Chicago police, at the orders of Mayor Daley, brutally beat protesting hippies within inches of their lives.
John Lennon wrote his song "Revolution" with the great line "If you want money for people with minds that hate, all I can tell you is brother you'll have to wait." Of course, John being the abstractionist he was followed that with "When you talk about destruction, don't you know that you can count me out/in." Hard core activists were pissed that the Beatles were so uncommitted to the cause. Cheers Beatles! Anyway, Pete Townshend saw through the crap and put it all into perspective. Still a timeless song, and never too late to change things through peaceful means. Don't forget to VOTE!

Word From GeeBee.

2008-10-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

Being the last week of the fantastical everlasting election, there is little time left for being a smart-ass on the subject. This may actually be an insight (everything here is an insight into SOMETHING). I put forth the observation that John McCain doesn't want to win the election. He has figured out at some point that he is better off out 'o the White House than in it. At the very least he could've tried harder - and possibly even sabotaged his own campaign with a series of stupid decisions. If you really want to win, do you let your advisors talk you out of the running mate you really believe in, and agree instead to choose a complete disaster? When a national emergency pops up, do you act all crazy and cancel your campaign to join a bunch of your old cronies who actually don't like you very much and contribute nothing, while your opponent drops in to offer smart input and keeps his schedule the next day? Do you call total strangers "my friend" every two seconds like a creepy insurance salesman? Then when you are completely out of ideas, you rename your campaign after a guy named Joe? And remind everyone in the country that they might need to call a plumber someday? How inspiring is that?? These are the actions of a man who just wants to get the hell out of town and kick back with some of that beer money. Maybe even look back and laugh at how silly the whole debacle was. Good luck on Tuesday John McCain - you've earned it.

Monkey On "One Party Rule."

2008-10-27T17:26:00.000-07:00

As you should know by now, I'm a huge fan of the party - always have been. I've supported it, and will continue to support it until I fall over. For this reason, and some others, I've decided that this "one party rule" is a good thing. First of all, two parties in the house is just confusing. You're always thinking, "Hey, I wonder if I should check out the other party?" That's time wasted when you could be getting MORE wasted! I don't know about you, but I am always losing my drink and picking up the wrong one. I hate that, 'specially when some moron puts his cigarette out in his drink. That's what ashtrays are for IDIOT! Two parties is just stupid. I would have to get another stereo, another copy of "Back In Black", and probably a change of clothes. I say let's have one party, and just make it bigger!

Spot the Monkey!

2008-10-22T21:17:00.001-07:00

Allie AKA Snapdragon sports a monkey. Is that legal in Utah?

Strike, uh... OUT!

2008-10-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

Crikey! I Learned this in 9th grade!

Monkey's Defining Moment.

2008-10-21T18:19:00.000-07:00

When I'm trying to chill-out late at night, these nutty news guys with human hair start saying stuff and I'm all "What the *%$@#"? Last night I kept hearing "The Elite" this and "The Elite" that. I guess these "Elitists" are the reason John McCain is not looking very good - but I thought it was because he's old and weird. Anyway, I got tired of feeling dumb, so I got out the big book to figure it out. Now I'm more confused than I was before happy hour yesterday. Here's what I found out : " The elite — a select group of people with outstanding personal abilities, intellect, wealth, specialized training or experience, or other distinctive attributes — are those whose views on a matter are to be taken the most seriously or carry the most weight; whose views and/or actions are most likely to be constructive to society as a whole; or whose extraordinary skills, abilities or wisdom render them especially fit to govern." So, whose s'possed to be President? The news guys are called "Media Elitists", but I'm not voting for a guy with hair like that. So is Obama the Elitist? If he is, then he's the guy who knows what's up! McCain must be further gone than I thought. I'm going to have a few cocktails and call Sarah Palin. At least she say's dumb stuff I can understand.

Impressionable New Age Bear!

2008-10-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

Hey! It's great to be here! SO much has happened! I found out about MUSIC! It's amazing! I really like "Fireflies Unplugged," but my favorite right now is called "Hooked on Himalayas." It's by a bunch of Tibetan Chipmunks who chant and fly around. It's cool. I'm learning how to be a DJ and make remixes. I've got this one called "Music for Snacking"," it's organic! ... maybe vegan, I'm not sure. Anyway, it has sounds of ants at a picnic mixed with tofu. It's weird. I'm working on another one with frogs and chainsaws, called "Sounds of Nature." I'd like to get one that has sounds of pine needles falling, then I could listen to it in the woods to relax. I have to go take a nap now. See you later!

Angry Conservative Bulldog.

2008-10-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

Am I the last real Conservative? Damn those aisle-cross-dressing Republicans! They are as bad as brie-eating poodles with Perrier in their water bowls. Give me a hambone and a rain-puddle any day. And those Liberal Condo dogs just want to coddle Terriers. They don't get it! If those Poodles and Dachshunds don't like it here they can go back where they came from - and take your silly pink sweaters with you! Same goes for those freeloading Chihuahuas. Why should we pay for them to have puppies and eat Tacos while the rest of us chase squirrels and eat crap? I say we send all those whining lap dogs off to fight Terriers and Hounds in Afghanistan! I'm staying right here in my own back yard where it's safe.

Ridiculous Englishman Caught in Brambles.

2008-10-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

Local nobleman and useless heir Dimson "Haffy" Halfbright was found stuck in a bramble bush this evening at about half-past six. Discovered by a passing barmaid on her way to work at the Battered Budgie, Haffy was eventually pryed out with a cricket bat. "He was well stuck," she said, "an' he weren't goin' anywhere like that, all stuck an' all." A Badger, on his way to the Budgie for the first of at least twenty-eight pints of lager, spotted the hapless Haffy and barmaid from the road and quickly saw that action was required - or he would be looking at a long wait at the Pub, parched and ill-tempered. "I don' like to wait," claimed the Badger. Taking matters into his own paw, Badger broke into a shed and grabbed an old cricket bat. "I shoved it under his bum an' he screeched like my dinner," said Badger, "after 'while he just flew out the bush like an old shoe." Haffy, Badger and bat were soon retired to the Budgie for restorative purposes.

Night at Home, or Mormons at the Door.

2008-10-15T20:28:00.000-07:00

Picture if you will a scene of domestic bliss involving yours truly - GeeBee in the kitchen preparing a simple meal of spicy Italian pasta; Bob Dylan on the stereo, a glass of Spanish red wine in hand. Knock, knock upon the front door - a quick glance reveals some boys in suits. Instantly suspicious, I remark to the sage mathematician Elizabeth: "I'm not answering... they're Mormons" Well, guess what? My jest turned out to be the truth. I quickly busied myself with chopping a Jalapeno while the unsuspecting missionaries were led into the living room. From a safe distance I hear Elizabeth happily announce, "You have 20 minutes to convert me - starting now. GO!" Genie came into the kitchen and gleefully remarked that Elizabeth had the situation well in hand... I agreed that it seemed the perfect cat playing with the mice scenario. A bit of sport before dinner. Respectful but animated banter ensued - well not so much banter as feeble attempts to respond to challenges involving equations and carbon dating. Loopholes were unraveled, history exposed like torn undergarments, horrible blows dealt with nary a drop of blood spilled - no clean-up required. Then, as the spicy sauce reached a high-simmer, Genie went in to finish off the softened targets. Next thing I knew they were on the porch trying to make their getaway while Genie offered kind reminders that they will one day have to answer for their opposition to gay rights - just as racists did to opposing civil rights. All in time for dinner and the debate, thank God.

Monkey Gives a Shout-Out.

2008-10-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

Not only did this Monkey sneak into a McCain rally - he's wearing an OBAMA sticker! You rock little Monkey! That fat guy isn't the smartest human...

Ridiculous Englishman's Diary Discovered in Bramble Bush.

2008-10-04T17:50:00.000-07:00

A diary belonging to British Nobleman Dimson "Haffy" Halfbright Esq.,has turned up under a bramble bush in Custard-On- Crumble. It was found by a Badger on his way home from the Pub.
Thought to be residing somewhere nearby in rustic Turning Green, Esq. Halfbright, heir to the county seat and various useless titles, including Earl of Little-Thort-On-Wye and Baron of Brokenbarrow has yet to appear to claim his diary. The Badger has reluctantly given it up to the local authorities for a biscuit and a very nice cheese of unspecified origin.
There appears to be some interest in the contents of said diary, especially as it was never thought that "Haffy" had it in him to compose a sentence. At least three residents and a postman have expressed mild interest in seeing a page or two of it over a pint.
Local law requires that the original owner of item(s) recovered from bramble bushes must appear within a reasonable amount of time unless otherwise engaged in something respectable that would prevent them from appearing. If they choose not to bother, the item(s) will be exhibited in plain sight at the bar of The Battered Budgie, for all to see. The only exception is if said item(s) turn out to be soiled undergarments, in which case the whole thing is quickly forgotten as if nothing happened.
If all goes well, the diary should be tossed about freely before closing time.

Bad Poetry Found In Book!

2008-10-03T22:39:00.000-07:00

I pulled out an old book tonight, and a single sheet of note paper fell to the floor. I was horrified and elated to discover an attempt at topical poetry, written in my own hand. A few clues date it from the early Reagan era.

"I'm Not Buyin'"

I'm not buyin' car insurance, disco records, carpeted wall-to-wall split-level-condo
I'm not buyin' Reader's Digest, Dianetics, automatic room-deodorizer - Oh no
I'm not buyin' frozen meals, or your ideals, or any coupon-book of half-off two-for-one deals
When I'm relaxing at home and you call me on the phone
I know you're lyin' and you're tryin' - but I'm not buyin'!
I'm not buyin' a multi-color two-piece jogging suit
or a dog with a haircut you might think is cute
I'm not buyin' headlines meant to scare me
or 24-hour cable access meant to bore me
The government is tryin', the Virgin Mary's cryin'
Business is good, actin' like we should
We're the best, so screw the rest
Just say no... why ask why... 'cause I won't buy!

Monkey Takes Credit For Palin Performance.

2008-10-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

What ya got under the hood baby? Have you ever blasted "Back In Black" with the eight track on eleven? Oops, forgot you believe in a talking snake... "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida*" honey!! Well, I'll see you on election night. Time to get on the "Highway To Hell" Cheers!
PS. I hope the check's in the mail, 'cause it's a long way from Alaska and two-for-one Spanish Coffee night is coming up.
* Drug-addled pronunciation of "In The Garden Of Eden."

Monkey's Words of Advice to Sarah Palin.

2008-09-30T21:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not the smartest Monkey, but I have some experience. Look, it's not too late to call in sick. I've done it lots of times. Just say you had some food poisoning. Blame it on Dominoes, or Jack-In-The-Box... do they have those in Alaska? Or, you could say the moose ate your debate primer. If I were you, I'd just party it up and pass out on TV. Jagermeister and painkillers should do the trick, call me. Hey, I like the Maverick, does it have an eight-track?

Sarah Palin Debates Chocolate Hammer. Hammer WINS!

2008-09-30T08:31:00.000-07:00

We have chocolate in Alaska! And hammers! It's not like we're a foreign country... I have a whole toolbox!! It's like a microcosm of tools up there! I can see Putin's hammer, and I'm ready! I'm a Maverick, it has the original faux-wood on the dashboard!

Someone get me a candy cigarette.

Murray Hears Of Bailout Failure - Turns Green, Loses Cigarette.

2008-09-29T16:49:00.000-07:00

Murray Eelestein Comments on Economic Crisis.

2008-09-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

"Oy vay, SELL, SELL, SELL!!!"

Republican Says: Stop the Nonsense!

2008-09-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

Nebraska Republican Sen. Chuck Hagel said his party's vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, lacks foreign policy experience and called it a "stretch" to say she's qualified to be president.
"She doesn't have any foreign policy credentials," Hagel said in an interview published Thursday by the Omaha World-Herald. "You get a passport for the first time in your life last year? I mean, I don't know what you can say. You can't say anything."
Could Palin lead the country if GOP presidential nominee John McCain could not?
"I think it's a stretch to, in any way, to say that she's got the experience to be president of the United States," Hagel said.
McCain and other Republicans have defended Palin's qualifications, citing Alaska's proximity to Russia. Palin told ABC News, "They're our next-door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska."
Hagel took issue with that argument. "I think they ought to just be honest about it and stop the nonsense about, 'I look out my window and I see Russia and so therefore I know something about Russia,'" he said. "That kind of thing is insulting to the American people."

Oversimplifications Made Simple.

2008-09-17T19:38:00.000-07:00

Remember Monopoly? It has rules, you take turns, when you go broke you're OUT. When you want something, you have to pay for it with REAL FAKE MONEY, and in exchange you get REAL FAKE PROPERTY. This used to mirror reality; now, our REAL economy is more like Charades combined with Twister and Pick-Up-Sticks. But you have to play drunk and blindfolded. What happened? Greedy wall street brokers?? Sure... but not really. It all started with drunk blindfolded Congressman Phil Gramm, who pushed through legislation in 1999, which modernized Depression-era laws separating banking, insurance and brokerage activities. These laws were put in place to protect the economy from crazy drunk blindfolded financial dealings. But without those laws, guess what happened? Monopoly rules went out the window! Instead of just buying properties and loading up with hotels (too limiting) why not mortgage everything, keep the properties and still collect the rent. Not a problem, you're winning. Let the banker in on the deal too, he can sell the debt owed on the mortgaged properties owned by the bank. The bank can get INSURANCE, just in case you don't win and can't pay. That's fine, you can get insurance too... that way you won't have to pay if you don't win. But that's too limiting. Why not use other players' money to get MORE debt and sell it to more people, even people who don't know they're playing! But even they don't have to worry, because PARKER BROTHERS, who own the rights to Monopoly, has insurance too! They will cover most of your losses in case the dog destroys the game and eats most of the money. But guess what? The broker turned out to be a loser who couldn't pay the bank, the bank claimed a loss the insurance couldn't cover, and Parker Brothers had to make a claim to the insurance company, who couldn't cover the losses. So the dog had to take over. But, according to Nietzsche, there is no dog.

Lovely Night in the Neighborhood.

2008-09-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

Monkey Interviews Sarah Palin.

2008-09-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

The following interview contains actual statements unedited. Monkey and Sara Palin stand by their words.

Monkey: "Let me ask you about the Bridge. So... it doesn't go anywhere, really? Is that because Alaska is melting? I'm guessing it started out going somewhere, but by the time you got it done, the place had melted."

Palin: "I told the Congress "thanks, but no thanks," for that Bridge to Nowhere. If our state wanted a bridge, we'd build it ourselves."

Monkey: "That's cool. So you were like "no thanks... take the money and give it back to the taxpayers!" Awesome. That must have helped alot of poor people. So you are really like Robin Hood! In pantyhose! "

Palin: "As for my running mate, you can be certain that wherever he goes, and whoever is listening, John McCain is the same man."

Monkey: "You look kind of crazy right now."

Palin: "America needs more energy ... our opponent is against producing it."

Monkey: "Wow. I'm kind of shocked. I'm for energy, it's alot of fun. Are you sure you aren't lying like a lying crack whore?"

Impressionable New Age Bear!

2008-09-07T18:17:00.000-07:00

It's so great to be back in the USA! Wow, I'd like to thank Miguel and Miguel for saving me. Yeah! They turned out to be really famous CIA agents. Their names are actually Gary. It turns out they were just PRETENDING to be rebels, to like, confuse the REAL rebels. I guess the Garys have a lot to do in Guatemala, they get a million dollars a week and they have donkeys to pull the money around. It's pretty cool. I got to come back with them in a black helicopter, but it was really crowded with stuff. I had to sit on this big bag of powder. My butt was numb! The best part was we didn't have to check our bags or go through the metal detectors and stuff like that. I'm not going anywhere for awhile. I'll probably make some banana bread and take a mineral bath. See you later!

Djinn Genie and Sunflower.

2008-09-07T17:48:00.000-07:00

Lovely Day in the Neighborhood.

2008-09-06T16:32:00.001-07:00

Americans Wait For Change.

2008-09-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

Still Waiting For Change.

2008-09-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Nihilist.

2008-08-31T16:08:00.000-07:00

Impressionable New Age Bear!

2008-08-31T09:13:00.001-07:00

Bunuelo! I'm camping in Guatemala. Last night Miguel and Miguel showed me how to make juice out of sugar cane. After awhile it gets really strong! M & M pretty much drank it all.. I hope they wake up soon, 'cause I want to learn how to use landmines to make guacamole. Adidas!

Republicans define "Experience" :

2008-08-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

OK. No nonsense with this post, because it's just too wacky already. According to Republican chatterboxes, Barrack Obama has no experience and isn't ready to be President. But hold on! If you are the Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, this is all you need: "As the head of Alaska's National Guard and as the mother of a soldier herself, Gov. Palin understands what it takes to lead our nation..." Wow.

We know how to behave - we've had lessons!

2008-08-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

[During a press conference]
Reporter: How did you find America?
John: Turned left at Greenland.
Reporter: Has success changed your life?
George: Yes.
Reporter: Do you often see your father?
Paul: No, actually we're just close friends.
Reporter: What would you call that hairstyle you're wearing?
George: Arthur.
Reporter: Are you a mod, or a rocker?
Ringo: Um, no. I'm a mocker.

John: We know how to behave - we've had lessons!

Happy 40th Anniversary Apple Records.

2008-08-26T21:52:00.000-07:00

Impressionable New Age Bear!

2008-08-26T18:57:00.000-07:00

HI! I'm here in Guatemala on vacation! These are my new friends, Miguel and Miguel. They had to take me hostage and stuff, 'cause they're Rebels! Did you know Guatemala means "Land of Forests"? I'm going to teach M & M how to use numerology to help them hunt tamales, and they promised to teach me Spanish. Tomorrow we're going to search for landmines!

The Old Poets Corner, Ashover, Derbyshire.

2008-08-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

This place makes me think of poetry and beer. One and the same they are in here. Is there a corner inside for a poet to hide, to pen his best and toss the rest in the fire? Or perhaps a round table where Tennyson sat, demanding to know where his venison's at? Or Chaucer, looking about for a tail, alone with his glass and decanter? And the barmaid Audrey, tart & tawdry, hoping for some wit & banter? It doesn't matter. I'd go just for the idyll.

Monkey Predicts Election:

2008-08-22T22:27:00.000-07:00

I'll get right to the point, 'cause it's Friday night. OK, John McCain was a hero in the Civil War. He was in that mini-series on PBS, but I passed out after about three days and missed the end, so I'm not sure if he won or not. Barrack Obama is underage, but I guess he drinks lattes and it makes him pretty smart. Anyway, I heard somewhere that the one who dies with the most houses wins. But I like the coffee guy best, even if he's smarter than me. Gotta go, it's two for one Absinthe night.

Divorce Cake:

2008-08-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

The Aesthetics Police here at S&N have a strict code: Generally, random crap from the internet is considered well beneath post-worthiness. This one has passed the test. The board has also granted a rare and highly sought after link on the Recommended List.

Rep (R) Closeted Queer Duck Not Guilty in Decoy Sex Scandal:

2008-08-16T10:28:00.000-07:00

Closeted Queer Duck (R), Rep. of pond district 69, was acquitted of all charges today in a recent sex-scandal involving a decoy (Ind). High-powered attorney Murray Eelestein issued a statement claiming his client was a victim of circumstance.

"Rep. Closeted Duck is a close personal friend of mine, which had no bearing on the outcome of this trial. The facts are clear: Wooden decoy ducks, regardless of their political leanings, have no rights. None whatsover. This is a clear cut case of entrapment, and counter charges will be forthcoming. My clients impeccable reputation has been dragged through the pond water and we will be seeking extensive damages from those responsible - be they socialist, independent, or worse. Partisan politics play no part in this case, but it has come to our attention that this 'decoy' is not, nor has ever been, a member of the Rebublican Party. In fact, we have reason to believe he has connections to Canadian Socialists, or perhaps even terrorist organizations. We may not have direct evidence, but allegations are all we need these days. So take heed decoy duck - your devious days are over, and we are coming after you." Murray and Closeted Queer Duck have since left the country to "lay low" at an undisclosed posh resort location.

Bon Voyage To Analog Dog!

2008-08-15T18:52:00.000-07:00

Most Average Human.

2008-08-12T19:45:00.000-07:00

It seems this blog has been dominated by non-humans while I was napping. I blame Monkey (what the %&*# did you put in my drink?) So, just to balance things a bit more toward HUMANITY, I have attempted to find the most average human ever to exist on the planet. You may be thinking, what makes him the MOST AVERAGE HUMAN EVER? I'm not sure, but given the wide spectrum of demented human behavior, this sure looks like the guy to me. If you disagree, you must be one of those elitists who insist on high-speed combustible engine transport, personal explosive projectile defense accessories, and leaf blowers. Welcome M.A.H.

Duck Outed In Decoy Sting.

2008-08-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

Republican Representative "Closeted Queer Duck" was apprehended today in his district's pond for lewd behavior. Caught in a compromising position with a decoy, Rep. Duck quickly denied all guilt, claiming he was soliciting votes. When it was pointed out that the decoy was made of wood and registered as an Independent, Duck blamed a "Canadian Conspiracy" and threw his Tiara at reporters. Duck has since posted bail and is unavailable for offers, or comment.

Impressionable New Age Bear!

2008-08-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's so great to be here. I just got back from this totally awesome seminar on pine needles. Did you know you can cure, like everything with pine needles? Totally! I mean, I had a bad dream about Lemurs and when I woke up I went and rubbed pine needles on my head and WHAM! I forgot the dream... mostly. Except the part about Lemurs chasing me. It was bad. Anyway, I learned about pine needle acupuncture! You just have to know where to stick them, it's kind of complicated. But I have a bunch of charts and stuff. The best part was the pine needle aromatherapy! They smell so good!! Well, I kind of knew that already from growing up in a pine forest. Still, I didn't know they could make you live longer. I can't wait!! I spent the afternoon after I got back gathering all the pine needles I could find. I have a bunch. I'm going to live forever and save the pine forests from global warming and things like that. Did you know pine needles are falling 23% faster than they did in 1998? I'm not sure if that means more are falling, or they're just falling faster... Anyway, it's getting worse in the pine forest and we need to save every pine needle so that we can make pine stuff out of them. I have a whole book of things you can make, like organic scones with pine sauce, and even pine sausages!! I'm getting hungry now, so I guess I'll tell you more later. I might not see you for awhile tho, next week I'm flying to Guatemala to volunteer for something. Did you know they have awesome nude beaches? I can't wait. Bye!!

Closeted Queer Republican Duck.

2008-08-10T08:34:00.000-07:00

Some Loons and Coots in my pond district have been advocating "alternate lifestyle choices." I strongly disagree - marriage should be between a Duck and a Drake. It's a slippery shoreline when one allows this kind of freestyle activity. Everything was fine before the Canadian Geese showed up, spreading their secular wings over our sacred wetlands. Studies show they tend to be liberals and alarmists, and they have a thing for ducklings. Their hysterical squawking about global warming is tiresome. If they don't like the water they can go back to Canada where they belong. Remember me on Election Day, and if you care about eradication of invasive species (you know who you are), eliminating restrictive regulations like the Endangered Species Act and the Environmental Protection Agency, as well as supporting traditional family values... I'm your Duck!

Saturday Night At Home.

2008-08-09T22:30:00.000-07:00

I Like The Fiery Furnaces And So Should You.

2008-08-08T14:04:00.000-07:00

Well, this is the brother and sister duo The Fiery Furnaces. "I learn to sleep standing up so I don't have to make the bed." Brilliant!

Monkey Presents: Milestones in American Sociology Pt.1

2008-08-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

Monkey on the Mortgage Crisis.

2008-08-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

Look, if I were say, a bartender... and I refused to check ID's and made the drinks WAY TOO STRONG, I would get into trouble, probably. Well, I should anyway. But it'd be a blast while it lasted, and of course I'd want it to go on forever and the jukebox would be CRANKED and, uh... everyone has fun as long as you don't get caught and stuff like that. But the bartender should be a guy you can trust (like me), not some dorky guy in a suit with too much money. So it is with home mortgages. There was way too much overpriced booze, and now nobody wants it 'cause they're all HUNG OVER! I like naps and maybe a lite beer with snacks. I don't really worry about it, 'cause I don't care. I'll feel better soon and it'll be good. Right now I'm a little out of focus... Maybe I'll have more savvy insights and stuff later. Oh, and John McCain isn't very bright.

Spotlight on Rave Shark!

2008-08-01T18:04:00.000-07:00

This colorful character began life as a so-so white (not great) member of the infamous shark family. One night during the late 90's, he was trolling for snacks off the coast of Miami Beach when he sensed a repetitive bass beat emanating from a private yacht several miles off shore. As he cruised in for a closer look, he became entranced by the sound of thumping techno and began circling the boat. Revelers hung over the railings to watch him go 'round, and he enjoyed the attention very much. Suddenly, one of shark's best friends, Rogue Wave, rolled up and tipped the entire party overboard. Intoxicated by the beats and wowed by the many floating florescent accessories, shark went on an unprecedented snacking frenzy. When it was over he had devoured most of the passengers - including the DJ, all the techno records, the sound system, the light show, a dozen vegan brownies and a boatload of ecstasy. It took a week for the glowsticks to get unstuck from between his teeth. Today he is a changed shark - he's become illuminated. To celebrate his raised consciousness, he changed his name to Rave Shark. He enjoys all night swims and chilling out to whale song in the morning.

Portland Porch Cool.

2008-07-28T18:02:00.000-07:00

AKA Snapdragon (see Dizzy Life) in the house for the summer. Sporting shades courtesy of Jesse Blair, hat by Mum (AKA Djinn).

Analog Dog!

2008-07-28T17:40:00.001-07:00

Happy 65th Birthday to Mick Jagger.

2008-07-26T22:56:00.000-07:00

Rave Shark Interviews Obama.

2008-07-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

If you are elected on land, will you fight to protect the oceans? And underwater rave culture in general?

Well, certainly the plight of the worlds oceans is an environmental concern of mine. Global warming is an issue we can't ignore.

I like it warm. Red is my favorite color.

Introducing Monkey.

2008-07-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

This character has seen his share of good times. That is if you consider waking up on the floor of a '71 Pinto reeking of vodka, paint thinner and burnt monkey hair a good time. That is how I found him (no, it wasn't my car - but the door was open and things looked ugly in there). I took him home, ran him through several heavy wash and spin cycles with bleach, and this is how he came out. Rather fluffy and self satisfied. Actually I don't think he ever sobered up, but it suits him. Some of his favorite things include: AC/DC played at maximum volume, anything with an alcohol content above 10%, random solvents, crack and cheap sugary snacks. He is a liability, but I've had him treated with fire retardant. Give it up for Monkey!

Monkey Interviews McCain Pt. 1

2008-07-26T09:53:00.001-07:00

Monkey: The other day I had the radio on, and right after AC/DC there was some news. Before I could change the station I heard you talking - you were saying "I know how to win wars." So I thought that was pretty cool. Where did you learn how to do that, and which ones did you win?

McCain: Well, what I meant by that was, we can't lose. And we must be winning, or else we're losing.

Monkey: Right. When I get stoned out of my mind I like to go crazy with the Crackerjack. It's so good, sometimes I forget about the little prize inside the box... then I'm not sure if they forgot to put one in there, or if I ate it.
I hate that.

Monkey Interviews McCain Pt. 2

2008-07-25T19:17:00.000-07:00

Monkey: I've just got to ask... have you ever brought opium back from Afghanistan?

McCain: I can't recall ever doing that. The border between Afghanistan and Turkey is heavily guarded.

The British Empire is dead - Long live Ray Davies.

2008-07-19T11:21:00.000-07:00

Last night in Portland, Ray Davies played at a lovely venue called The Crystal Ballroom. Yours truly was first in line (a first for me), with the lovely Djinn (see A Dizzy Life), soon followed by a guy from New Jersey who appeared to be the biggest Kinks fan in the USA. He and his girl had travelled from the east coast, through Canada and down to Portland following every stop on the tour. For anyone who doesn't remember, The Kinks were one of the first British Invasion bands of the early sixties with hits like "You Really Got Me", "All Day and All Of The Night". Later they became one of the more entertaining bands of the early seventies with occasional hits such as "Lola" and "Celluloid Heroes." Anyway, Ray was the singer and songwriter, along with his brother Dave on guitar. Over the years Ray Davies has written an absurd number of brilliant songs, many of them performed at this show. He is without a doubt in the upper pantheon of songwriters from any era. Witness this clip of him performing one of his best songs.

Oversimplifications simplified.

2008-07-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

Oversimplification #1: We must drill for oil here at home so we can reduce our dependence on foreign oil.

Simplification: In ten years, when this new oil is eventually produced, it will end up on the WORLD OIL MARKET, where it will go to the highest bidder. Oil pumped from Florida beaches and the Alaskan wilderness will very likely end up in a Chinese gas tank. It's like telling a heroin addict to grow poppies in his back yard, then processing the drug for sale to junkies worldwide. At least we're contributing to the supply...

How to reinterpret Bob Dylan, display effortless lyricism on the guitar; wear orange successfully and charm the pants off everyone in 1967:

2008-07-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

Unofficial history of White Boxers i.e. Analog Dog

2008-07-09T18:05:00.000-07:00

The White Boxer is so named due to his reflective nature. It serves to keep him cool, which is a good thing considering his tendency to overheat during debates. It's not that he is disagreeable or opinionated, which he most certainly is (although he would likely argue the point), but that his lineage actually pre-dates color, back to a time when everything was viewed in black & white. Of course there are reams of misinformation alluding to an inferior upbringing and a general reluctance to assume splotches. But this is mere prejudice. Some little - known facts about A. D. include: he is a direct descendant of the first dog to join bands of English workers (AKA Luddites) who destroyed machinery, esp. in cotton and woolen mills that they believed were threatening their jobs (1811–16); he has a great fondness for tea and biscuits, intolerance for actions unbecoming to cats and squirrels, unfortunate hearing loss leading to misinterpretation of the facts, tragic jukebox selections, and a tendency to call people by the wrong name. He is also convinced that his only recourse in dispute resolution is a challenge to fight -- a direct result of getting into the dictionary late one night, tearing half the pages out and happening upon the entry for "Boxer". He lost interest after the first definition. This is a dog to be reckoned with. He is a spokesman for the underdog, the intolerant, and the hard-of-hearing. But in spite of all his shortcomings, he still has standards. He will, when all is said and left in dissaray, apologize in earnest. AND HE SHALL NOT BE DIGITIZED!

ANALOG DOG!

2008-07-08T21:16:00.001-07:00

Very brief toast to "BLACK BOOKS"

2008-07-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

Marc Chagall & Plastic Bertrand

2008-07-06T21:46:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Marc Chagall (who's dead). This song will celebrate all that is, uh... French Art?
This works for me:

Ca plane pour moi.

Wham! Bam! my cat Splash
lies on my bed with his tongue puffed out
by drinking all my whisky.
As for me, not enough sleep, drained, persecuted,
I had to sleep in the gutter
where I had a flash
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
in four colours

Allez-oop! One morning
a darling came to my home,
a cellophane puppet with Chinese hair,
a plaster, a hangover,
drank my beer in a large rubber glass
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
like an Indian in his igloo

This works for me, this works for me
This works for me me me me me
This work for me
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
This works for me

Allez-oop! The chick***, what a gas!
what a vibration!
to be sent on the door mat
filed, ruined, drained, filled
You are the King of the divan!
she says to me in passing
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
I am the King of the divan

This works for me, this works for me
This works for me me me me me
This workss for me
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
This works for me

Allez-oop! Don't mind, don't worry
Don't affect me
It’s not today
that the sky will fall on my head
and I'll be without glue
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
This life’s for me

Allez-oop! my chick has gone away,
flew away, finally had enough, to break
the sink, the bar, leaving me alone
like a complete jerk
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
I've put my foot in it

This works for me, this works for me
This works for me me me me me
This workss for me
Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo!
This works for me
This workss for me, this works for me
This works for me me me me me

RETURN OF ANALOG DOG.

2008-07-06T18:08:00.001-07:00

Welcome To The Neighborhood.

2008-07-05T16:58:00.000-07:00

On a stroll yesterday. Records, Roses, Shacks and Snacks. Click to enlarge...

Big Sur, California USA.

2008-07-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

Big Sur was love at first sight for me, sometime around 1982 when first I breathed it in. This spot on the rugged coast is impossible to describe in words. No camera can contain it. It is now in the path of extreme wildfires burning toward the ocean. Nature will survive, Big Sur will still be there, but it will be changed. Selfishly perhaps, I take comfort in the thought that it might remain untouched, preserved as I remember it, so that I can return someday and breathe it in once more. Huge love to you Big Sur, California USA.