Rep (R) Closeted Queer Duck Not Guilty in Decoy Sex Scandal:

Closeted Queer Duck (R), Rep. of pond district 69, was acquitted of all charges today in a recent sex-scandal involving a decoy (Ind). High-powered attorney Murray Eelestein issued a statement claiming his client was a victim of circumstance.

"Rep. Closeted Duck is a close personal friend of mine, which had no bearing on the outcome of this trial. The facts are clear: Wooden decoy ducks, regardless of their political leanings, have no rights. None whatsover. This is a clear cut case of entrapment, and counter charges will be forthcoming. My clients impeccable reputation has been dragged through the pond water and we will be seeking extensive damages from those responsible - be they socialist, independent, or worse. Partisan politics play no part in this case, but it has come to our attention that this 'decoy' is not, nor has ever been, a member of the Rebublican Party. In fact, we have reason to believe he has connections to Canadian Socialists, or perhaps even terrorist organizations. We may not have direct evidence, but allegations are all we need these days. So take heed decoy duck - your devious days are over, and we are coming after you." Murray and Closeted Queer Duck have since left the country to "lay low" at an undisclosed posh resort location.

Duck Outed In Decoy Sting.

Republican Representative "Closeted Queer Duck" was apprehended today in his district's pond for lewd behavior. Caught in a compromising position with a decoy, Rep. Duck quickly denied all guilt, claiming he was soliciting votes. When it was pointed out that the decoy was made of wood and registered as an Independent, Duck blamed a "Canadian Conspiracy" and threw his Tiara at reporters. Duck has since posted bail and is unavailable for offers, or comment.

Closeted Queer Republican Duck.

Some Loons and Coots in my pond district have been advocating "alternate lifestyle choices." I strongly disagree - marriage should be between a Duck and a Drake. It's a slippery shoreline when one allows this kind of freestyle activity. Everything was fine before the Canadian Geese showed up, spreading their secular wings over our sacred wetlands. Studies show they tend to be liberals and alarmists, and they have a thing for ducklings. Their hysterical squawking about global warming is tiresome. If they don't like the water they can go back to Canada where they belong. Remember me on Election Day, and if you care about eradication of invasive species (you know who you are), eliminating restrictive regulations like the Endangered Species Act and the Environmental Protection Agency, as well as supporting traditional family values... I'm your Duck!