Ridiculous Englishman Caught in Brambles.

Local nobleman and useless heir Dimson "Haffy" Halfbright was found stuck in a bramble bush this evening at about half-past six. Discovered by a passing barmaid on her way to work at the Battered Budgie, Haffy was eventually pryed out with a cricket bat. "He was well stuck," she said, "an' he weren't goin' anywhere like that, all stuck an' all." A Badger, on his way to the Budgie for the first of at least twenty-eight pints of lager, spotted the hapless Haffy and barmaid from the road and quickly saw that action was required - or he would be looking at a long wait at the Pub, parched and ill-tempered. "I don' like to wait," claimed the Badger. Taking matters into his own paw, Badger broke into a shed and grabbed an old cricket bat. "I shoved it under his bum an' he screeched like my dinner," said Badger, "after 'while he just flew out the bush like an old shoe." Haffy, Badger and bat were soon retired to the Budgie for restorative purposes.

Ridiculous Englishman's Diary Discovered in Bramble Bush.

A diary belonging to British Nobleman Dimson "Haffy" Halfbright Esq.,has turned up under a bramble bush in Custard-On- Crumble. It was found by a Badger on his way home from the Pub.
Thought to be residing somewhere nearby in rustic Turning Green, Esq. Halfbright, heir to the county seat and various useless titles, including Earl of Little-Thort-On-Wye and Baron of Brokenbarrow has yet to appear to claim his diary. The Badger has reluctantly given it up to the local authorities for a biscuit and a very nice cheese of unspecified origin.
There appears to be some interest in the contents of said diary, especially as it was never thought that "Haffy" had it in him to compose a sentence. At least three residents and a postman have expressed mild interest in seeing a page or two of it over a pint.
Local law requires that the original owner of item(s) recovered from bramble bushes must appear within a reasonable amount of time unless otherwise engaged in something respectable that would prevent them from appearing. If they choose not to bother, the item(s) will be exhibited in plain sight at the bar of The Battered Budgie, for all to see. The only exception is if said item(s) turn out to be soiled undergarments, in which case the whole thing is quickly forgotten as if nothing happened.
If all goes well, the diary should be tossed about freely before closing time.