Hey! Just got back form the Oscars. Did you guys know the orchestra was live? I didn't even see them! Anyway, I'm having trouble focusing after the sparkly gowns with sparkly backdrops... I even took a little tumble trying to find my seat. Of course I wasn't invited, I was hanging out in the car wash and got stuck under a black SUV. I was only trying to clean up a bit on the cheap... Anyway, next thing I know a valet tossed me the keys and told me to park it in the VIP section. Well, I'm a sucker for red carpets - they remind me of raw meat. One thing led to another and I ended up 26 rows behind Jack Nicholson. That guy is awesome. He has a cologne very close to 80 proof Kentucky Bourbon, unmistakable even at a distance.
I had a good time and met some real animals there, mostly at the VIP bar. They were all talking about movies and boring stuff like that, but I got some free drinks. The bartender thought I was Danny Devito. It was fun for awhile but I had to get out of there after some producer offered me a job driving his dog to school. The money was crazy good, but I couldn't do it. A respectable dog I could maybe handle for a week or two, but this was a chihuahua working on a law degree. I could've drowned him in a teacup. I'll never understand pets, let alone ones with aspirations. All I know is there's hot water at the car wash, good booze at the Oscars and whoever Danny Devito is, he should get some new friends.
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