Just A Post

Well, I had a run of luck this summer with some raffle tickets to benefit the North Portland Library, which I am only too happy to support.  Two out of three of my tickets came up a winner, one of which was for the world famous and adored Mississippi Records. The other was for a local acupuncture treatment... guess which one I used first?
Well, time was running out on the latter prize and I figured it would be biased of me to let it expire. So, today I went in for the first acupuncture of my life. It was kind of electric, but not enough to charge my weakness. Kind of relaxing, but not enough to chill me out. In other words, I'm ambivalent on the experience and will not be talking about it much.
Then it became evident that 20 children were murdered in their class while I was contemplating the 12 small needles stuck into me. This, of course, means nothing. But what does have meaning is that I was compelled to write this small post in tribute to those young and innocent children. I will think of them whenever someone mentions acupuncture, and maybe that will work better somehow.

Republican Party Poster

Mitt Romney Was Here But Now He's Gone

Ineffectual Rooster Debate Moderator

Her Majesties Best Request

THE URBAN SURREALIST

I feel the need for psychic incense and circulative air conditioning. To be as a hothouse tomato, cool but not blue. The cucumber is not welcome in my water, but that is beside the point. The rainbow is not an arch but a circle, ignore the imaginary line between the sun and your head. The colors are at my door and the postman wears a hat, this is how I know my eyes are open. To draw a conclusion is to never lift the pencil from the paper. Nothing means to end, it just gave up long ago, yet still goes on. On to the next line with my half-circle cup in front of me. 

Nazi-Acquired Buddha Statue Came From Space

I Am Iron Man!  http://news.yahoo.com/nazi-acquired-buddha-statue-came-space-172319961.html

Mitt Romney's Five-Point Plan.

Mitt Romney announced today that his initial five-point plan is excessive and should be reduced to maybe three, or even less. Once elected president, he promised to cut the number drastically but would not specify which ones would be eliminated. "I think five is just too much, maybe even four times more than it should be" said Romney, which left a number of pundits scrambling for their pocket calculators. Just how many points are in jeopardy remains unclear. The five-point plan, which was unveiled while no one was looking, seemed to contain specifics as to Romney's plan for economic, moral and god-knows-what recovery, but seems to have lost ground to stories of obesity and a Nazi-acquired statue carved from a meteorite. When asked about this latest news-breaking story, Romney responded that it "sounds pretty nutty, I think somebody just made this stuff up..."

Gay Cosmic Debris vs Paul Ryan

During a speech today reiterating his opposition to marriage equality, Paul Ryan claimed that preventing gay marriage is a "Universal Human Value." Given the enormity of such a statement I thought it only fair to ask Gay Cosmic Debris how they felt about it. In the interest of full disclosure I should make it clear that Gay Cosmic Debris is a non-human entity. "Gay Cosmic Debris, how do you respond to the statememt by Paul Ryan, and by association, the Romney Campaign, that marriage should be between a man and a woman?" "What? That is offensive in so many ways... Are you serious? Humans have no 'Universal Value' and you know it. Get the fuck out of here!!"

Monkey Checks In.

Things are getting heavy in here. Who let that Surrealist in? She scares me... Crows are not scary, BUT they do piss me off when they get the prescription drugs outa the dumpster before I get there. Hey, if you want to send me poetry it's OK, I won't complain like a little BEAKED BITCH! Gotta go, it's two-for-one Oxycontin night at the after-hours dive that doesn't allow crows. Hey, I'm just trying to lighten things up a bit. This used to be a fun blog.

THE URBAN SURREALIST

I ate something I shouldn't have when I was just a tidbit. Now I'm fully on to the next scent. Disturbed by the thing I ate, I became a hoarder of empty places. I now have six of them, each slightly less empty. I let everyone get in front of me in line, it keeps me waiting. I am there now, reading the list of things. I have my own cup in front of me. It keeps me company when I don't need it. If you want my advice, take it. I've swallowed many lesser things and it has done me little harm. But the thing is, a little harm goes a long way. It becomes much bigger the more you think of it. Tiresome... If you have a cat you should know a few things. Otherwise I hope you know it all, like the dog you are. I have little trust in the end of things, it's all in the beginning. The middle is just a plate of things connecting the first with the last. So what shall I have? I can't recommend the lamb. The fox had him for lunch. After dinner I'd suggest a walk in the wood with the spiders. Very good company, as they tend to know all the hard equations. I'm not a numbers person, really more of a symbolist. When to start is always the important thing. So I have to say, the entry is the way to a place. But even better is waiting until hunger turns to a scent of flowers. Then you have won. See you in line...

The Critical Crow Corner

I've been asked to provide some critical on-the-ground analysis of the urban landscape - sort of a crow's eye view you might say. Well, let me clear the air by saying "Caw! Caw!" because that's what's expected of me right? Might as well admit it - YOU ALL HATE CROWS! So get this straight right now: YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I have no issues with humans as a race, it's just that most of you are - how shall I say... dumb as sparrows. Look, I'll try to be fair and honest because I'm just that kind of bird, but if you ruffle my feathers I WILL TRACK YOU TO A DOWNED ELECTRICAL CABLE AND WATCH YOU BURN! OK, that was a bit harsh. Sorry. I had to review some poetry today and I'm not at my best. It was one of those skinny little volumes about the virtues of the natural world, including the sickening anthropomorphism of a woodchuck. I gagged on a worm and it put me in a dark mood. Don't send me any poetry, especially if you're an insipid nature lover. I don't care if you want to save me, just leave me a scone (walnut is good) and some strong coffee, black.

Portlandiand.

It is funny living here, and sometimes it is even funnier than it really is - especially when PORTLANDIA shoots an episode satirising food-carts, right across the street from a bunch of actual food-carts. Watching hipsters watching the fake food-cart scene featuring hipster actors recreating a scene was confusing, even to passing dogs. At one point, a hip couple explained to a visiting couple from Japan that the show was a satire of all things we hold dear in Portland, but that it was "just not that funny..." As the afternoon grew long we retired to the Interurban Bar a block away and imbibed some cocktails before our evening stroll to the grocery store to watch a live band perform in the produce isle. Leaning up against some chilled beets with a white wine, it occured to me that all that artifice to film a hit TV show was a waste of time and effort. Just strap a mini-cam around my neck and let it roll.

Forty years ago tonight, my friends and I watched this band of heathens from the UK perform on a hot humid night in Akron Ohio. Tomorrow is the Fiftieth anniversary of their first ever performance at a cinema on Oxford Street. God bless you Rolling Stones, may you live a bit longer on this earth and forever in our warm and happy memory.

Checked out this Portland bar today: DIG A PONY. Used to be a drug store back in the day when codeine was ubiquitous. (Monkey! put down the syrup) Well now it's a bar you can ride a bike into 'cause it's that big. I had this drink made of ginger infused vodka, ginger beer and, I think, ginger. It was a gingery thing of beauty. Only problem is, they didn't play any good music. As John Lennon sings, for no good reason: "You can syndicate any boat you row, yes you can syndicate any boat you row, I told you so! All I want is you, everything has got to be just like you want it to. Because"

Monkey Seeks Party.

Hello! I passed out back in 2011 but I'm feeling much better now. Last thing I remember was going to a happy hour in Honduras, a place called the Kabbala. I guess they got my order wrong, because instead of a virgin and a pina colada, I got escorted to the back alley and ended up inhaling police car exhaust fumes. I'm pretty sure they don't use unleaded down there because I still have a headache. So, I guess it's 2012 now. What the hell happened? Ted Nugent is hanging out with Mormons? I'm confused. Those guys wear underwear. Two of them came to my front door once and I threw snakes at them and they ran away. If those guys can run for president so can I. I've been told I need a party, which usually isn't a problem, but since I passed out I haven't had much of a social life. Can anyone help me out? PLEASE! Any party will do. I need to find one quick so I can get started with my champagne, uh wait... what is it? Oh yes, Campaign! Sorry. I also need a running mate, which is weird because I prefer to be single.