Nazi-Acquired Buddha Statue Came From Space

I Am Iron Man!  http://news.yahoo.com/nazi-acquired-buddha-statue-came-space-172319961.html

Mitt Romney's Five-Point Plan.

Mitt Romney announced today that his initial five-point plan is excessive and should be reduced to maybe three, or even less. Once elected president, he promised to cut the number drastically but would not specify which ones would be eliminated. "I think five is just too much, maybe even four times more than it should be" said Romney, which left a number of pundits scrambling for their pocket calculators. Just how many points are in jeopardy remains unclear. The five-point plan, which was unveiled while no one was looking, seemed to contain specifics as to Romney's plan for economic, moral and god-knows-what recovery, but seems to have lost ground to stories of obesity and a Nazi-acquired statue carved from a meteorite. When asked about this latest news-breaking story, Romney responded that it "sounds pretty nutty, I think somebody just made this stuff up..."

Gay Cosmic Debris vs Paul Ryan

During a speech today reiterating his opposition to marriage equality, Paul Ryan claimed that preventing gay marriage is a "Universal Human Value." Given the enormity of such a statement I thought it only fair to ask Gay Cosmic Debris how they felt about it. In the interest of full disclosure I should make it clear that Gay Cosmic Debris is a non-human entity. "Gay Cosmic Debris, how do you respond to the statememt by Paul Ryan, and by association, the Romney Campaign, that marriage should be between a man and a woman?" "What? That is offensive in so many ways... Are you serious? Humans have no 'Universal Value' and you know it. Get the fuck out of here!!"

Monkey Checks In.

Things are getting heavy in here. Who let that Surrealist in? She scares me... Crows are not scary, BUT they do piss me off when they get the prescription drugs outa the dumpster before I get there. Hey, if you want to send me poetry it's OK, I won't complain like a little BEAKED BITCH! Gotta go, it's two-for-one Oxycontin night at the after-hours dive that doesn't allow crows. Hey, I'm just trying to lighten things up a bit. This used to be a fun blog.

THE URBAN SURREALIST

I ate something I shouldn't have when I was just a tidbit. Now I'm fully on to the next scent. Disturbed by the thing I ate, I became a hoarder of empty places. I now have six of them, each slightly less empty. I let everyone get in front of me in line, it keeps me waiting. I am there now, reading the list of things. I have my own cup in front of me. It keeps me company when I don't need it. If you want my advice, take it. I've swallowed many lesser things and it has done me little harm. But the thing is, a little harm goes a long way. It becomes much bigger the more you think of it. Tiresome... If you have a cat you should know a few things. Otherwise I hope you know it all, like the dog you are. I have little trust in the end of things, it's all in the beginning. The middle is just a plate of things connecting the first with the last. So what shall I have? I can't recommend the lamb. The fox had him for lunch. After dinner I'd suggest a walk in the wood with the spiders. Very good company, as they tend to know all the hard equations. I'm not a numbers person, really more of a symbolist. When to start is always the important thing. So I have to say, the entry is the way to a place. But even better is waiting until hunger turns to a scent of flowers. Then you have won. See you in line...

The Critical Crow Corner

I've been asked to provide some critical on-the-ground analysis of the urban landscape - sort of a crow's eye view you might say. Well, let me clear the air by saying "Caw! Caw!" because that's what's expected of me right? Might as well admit it - YOU ALL HATE CROWS! So get this straight right now: YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I have no issues with humans as a race, it's just that most of you are - how shall I say... dumb as sparrows. Look, I'll try to be fair and honest because I'm just that kind of bird, but if you ruffle my feathers I WILL TRACK YOU TO A DOWNED ELECTRICAL CABLE AND WATCH YOU BURN! OK, that was a bit harsh. Sorry. I had to review some poetry today and I'm not at my best. It was one of those skinny little volumes about the virtues of the natural world, including the sickening anthropomorphism of a woodchuck. I gagged on a worm and it put me in a dark mood. Don't send me any poetry, especially if you're an insipid nature lover. I don't care if you want to save me, just leave me a scone (walnut is good) and some strong coffee, black.