Happy Birthday Nihilist.

Impressionable New Age Bear!

Bunuelo! I'm camping in Guatemala. Last night Miguel and Miguel showed me how to make juice out of sugar cane. After awhile it gets really strong! M & M pretty much drank it all.. I hope they wake up soon, 'cause I want to learn how to use landmines to make guacamole. Adidas!

Republicans define "Experience" :

OK. No nonsense with this post, because it's just too wacky already. According to Republican chatterboxes, Barrack Obama has no experience and isn't ready to be President. But hold on! If you are the Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, this is all you need: "As the head of Alaska's National Guard and as the mother of a soldier herself, Gov. Palin understands what it takes to lead our nation..." Wow.

We know how to behave - we've had lessons!

[During a press conference]
Reporter: How did you find America?
John: Turned left at Greenland.
Reporter: Has success changed your life?
George: Yes.
Reporter: Do you often see your father?
Paul: No, actually we're just close friends.
Reporter: What would you call that hairstyle you're wearing?
George: Arthur.
Reporter: Are you a mod, or a rocker?
Ringo: Um, no. I'm a mocker.

John: We know how to behave - we've had lessons!

Happy 40th Anniversary Apple Records.

Impressionable New Age Bear!

HI! I'm here in Guatemala on vacation! These are my new friends, Miguel and Miguel. They had to take me hostage and stuff, 'cause they're Rebels! Did you know Guatemala means "Land of Forests"? I'm going to teach M & M how to use numerology to help them hunt tamales, and they promised to teach me Spanish. Tomorrow we're going to search for landmines!

The Old Poets Corner, Ashover, Derbyshire.

This place makes me think of poetry and beer. One and the same they are in here. Is there a corner inside for a poet to hide, to pen his best and toss the rest in the fire? Or perhaps a round table where Tennyson sat, demanding to know where his venison's at? Or Chaucer, looking about for a tail, alone with his glass and decanter? And the barmaid Audrey, tart & tawdry, hoping for some wit & banter? It doesn't matter. I'd go just for the idyll.

Monkey Predicts Election:

I'll get right to the point, 'cause it's Friday night. OK, John McCain was a hero in the Civil War. He was in that mini-series on PBS, but I passed out after about three days and missed the end, so I'm not sure if he won or not. Barrack Obama is underage, but I guess he drinks lattes and it makes him pretty smart. Anyway, I heard somewhere that the one who dies with the most houses wins. But I like the coffee guy best, even if he's smarter than me. Gotta go, it's two for one Absinthe night.

Divorce Cake:

The Aesthetics Police here at S&N have a strict code: Generally, random crap from the internet is considered well beneath post-worthiness. This one has passed the test. The board has also granted a rare and highly sought after link on the Recommended List.

Rep (R) Closeted Queer Duck Not Guilty in Decoy Sex Scandal:

Closeted Queer Duck (R), Rep. of pond district 69, was acquitted of all charges today in a recent sex-scandal involving a decoy (Ind). High-powered attorney Murray Eelestein issued a statement claiming his client was a victim of circumstance.

"Rep. Closeted Duck is a close personal friend of mine, which had no bearing on the outcome of this trial. The facts are clear: Wooden decoy ducks, regardless of their political leanings, have no rights. None whatsover. This is a clear cut case of entrapment, and counter charges will be forthcoming. My clients impeccable reputation has been dragged through the pond water and we will be seeking extensive damages from those responsible - be they socialist, independent, or worse. Partisan politics play no part in this case, but it has come to our attention that this 'decoy' is not, nor has ever been, a member of the Rebublican Party. In fact, we have reason to believe he has connections to Canadian Socialists, or perhaps even terrorist organizations. We may not have direct evidence, but allegations are all we need these days. So take heed decoy duck - your devious days are over, and we are coming after you." Murray and Closeted Queer Duck have since left the country to "lay low" at an undisclosed posh resort location.

Bon Voyage To Analog Dog!

Most Average Human.

It seems this blog has been dominated by non-humans while I was napping. I blame Monkey (what the %&*# did you put in my drink?) So, just to balance things a bit more toward HUMANITY, I have attempted to find the most average human ever to exist on the planet. You may be thinking, what makes him the MOST AVERAGE HUMAN EVER? I'm not sure, but given the wide spectrum of demented human behavior, this sure looks like the guy to me. If you disagree, you must be one of those elitists who insist on high-speed combustible engine transport, personal explosive projectile defense accessories, and leaf blowers. Welcome M.A.H.

Duck Outed In Decoy Sting.

Republican Representative "Closeted Queer Duck" was apprehended today in his district's pond for lewd behavior. Caught in a compromising position with a decoy, Rep. Duck quickly denied all guilt, claiming he was soliciting votes. When it was pointed out that the decoy was made of wood and registered as an Independent, Duck blamed a "Canadian Conspiracy" and threw his Tiara at reporters. Duck has since posted bail and is unavailable for offers, or comment.

Impressionable New Age Bear!

Wow. It's so great to be here. I just got back from this totally awesome seminar on pine needles. Did you know you can cure, like everything with pine needles? Totally! I mean, I had a bad dream about Lemurs and when I woke up I went and rubbed pine needles on my head and WHAM! I forgot the dream... mostly. Except the part about Lemurs chasing me. It was bad. Anyway, I learned about pine needle acupuncture! You just have to know where to stick them, it's kind of complicated. But I have a bunch of charts and stuff. The best part was the pine needle aromatherapy! They smell so good!! Well, I kind of knew that already from growing up in a pine forest. Still, I didn't know they could make you live longer. I can't wait!! I spent the afternoon after I got back gathering all the pine needles I could find. I have a bunch. I'm going to live forever and save the pine forests from global warming and things like that. Did you know pine needles are falling 23% faster than they did in 1998? I'm not sure if that means more are falling, or they're just falling faster... Anyway, it's getting worse in the pine forest and we need to save every pine needle so that we can make pine stuff out of them. I have a whole book of things you can make, like organic scones with pine sauce, and even pine sausages!! I'm getting hungry now, so I guess I'll tell you more later. I might not see you for awhile tho, next week I'm flying to Guatemala to volunteer for something. Did you know they have awesome nude beaches? I can't wait. Bye!!

Closeted Queer Republican Duck.

Some Loons and Coots in my pond district have been advocating "alternate lifestyle choices." I strongly disagree - marriage should be between a Duck and a Drake. It's a slippery shoreline when one allows this kind of freestyle activity. Everything was fine before the Canadian Geese showed up, spreading their secular wings over our sacred wetlands. Studies show they tend to be liberals and alarmists, and they have a thing for ducklings. Their hysterical squawking about global warming is tiresome. If they don't like the water they can go back to Canada where they belong. Remember me on Election Day, and if you care about eradication of invasive species (you know who you are), eliminating restrictive regulations like the Endangered Species Act and the Environmental Protection Agency, as well as supporting traditional family values... I'm your Duck!

Saturday Night At Home.

I Like The Fiery Furnaces And So Should You.

Well, this is the brother and sister duo The Fiery Furnaces. "I learn to sleep standing up so I don't have to make the bed." Brilliant!

Monkey Presents: Milestones in American Sociology Pt.1

Monkey on the Mortgage Crisis.

Look, if I were say, a bartender... and I refused to check ID's and made the drinks WAY TOO STRONG, I would get into trouble, probably. Well, I should anyway. But it'd be a blast while it lasted, and of course I'd want it to go on forever and the jukebox would be CRANKED and, uh... everyone has fun as long as you don't get caught and stuff like that. But the bartender should be a guy you can trust (like me), not some dorky guy in a suit with too much money. So it is with home mortgages. There was way too much overpriced booze, and now nobody wants it 'cause they're all HUNG OVER! I like naps and maybe a lite beer with snacks. I don't really worry about it, 'cause I don't care. I'll feel better soon and it'll be good. Right now I'm a little out of focus... Maybe I'll have more savvy insights and stuff later. Oh, and John McCain isn't very bright.

Spotlight on Rave Shark!

This colorful character began life as a so-so white (not great) member of the infamous shark family. One night during the late 90's, he was trolling for snacks off the coast of Miami Beach when he sensed a repetitive bass beat emanating from a private yacht several miles off shore. As he cruised in for a closer look, he became entranced by the sound of thumping techno and began circling the boat. Revelers hung over the railings to watch him go 'round, and he enjoyed the attention very much. Suddenly, one of shark's best friends, Rogue Wave, rolled up and tipped the entire party overboard. Intoxicated by the beats and wowed by the many floating florescent accessories, shark went on an unprecedented snacking frenzy. When it was over he had devoured most of the passengers - including the DJ, all the techno records, the sound system, the light show, a dozen vegan brownies and a boatload of ecstasy. It took a week for the glowsticks to get unstuck from between his teeth. Today he is a changed shark - he's become illuminated. To celebrate his raised consciousness, he changed his name to Rave Shark. He enjoys all night swims and chilling out to whale song in the morning.